In November of 2010 my crimes were made public and as any lawyer would say you have the right to remain silent so use it. I stopped blogging and even though I stopped blogging and removed my blog from the public view it was used by my supporters and my detractors and the blog never really went away. I missed blogging and actually missed having that outlet for expression and writing. So here I am, it's a new year and I am trying to start a new life and decided to try blogging again. Because of who I am I have to know that I will not be able to do this with the relative anonymity that many bloggers have and that my thoughts and my words will be public and scrutinized. I take this step at least having convinced myself that I know the risks and understand them.
The other night I was channel surfing and could not find my usual shows I like to watch (at least not episodes I had already seen) when I came across the show celebrity wife swap. I never watch this show but I do watch Celebrity Apprentice and last year Gary Busey was on the Apprentice. Gary Busey on the Apprentice was fun to watch. I compare it to knowing a train wreck is coming, knowing you can't stop it, so you just sit there and watch it.
Well, Gary Busey was on Celebrity Wife Swap so I decided to watch. Swapping wives with Gary Busey was Ted Haggard. He is a pastor from Colorado Springs who ran a large church before he was caught soliciting a male prostitute and allegedly purchasing meth from the prostitute in 2006. I never heard of Ted Haggard but while watching the show I could not help but compare what he called his "scandal" to what my family and I are going through. He has three children and a wife who all stuck by him through the ordeal. In the show you saw a glimpse of what his wife and children went through and what they are still going through as they stick by there father and husband. You also see that as he throws himself into restoring his life that he has begun to neglect his children. He seems to be a very passionate person who throws himself into what ever he does. It is part of my personality and sometimes can be a fault of mine. As I said I never heard of Pastor Haggard and after seeing the show I read about him and do not agree with some of his past teachings.
This show did make me look at my family and friends and reaffirm how lucky I am that they have stood by me in my struggles even as my sins have been cast on my loved ones and friends. As we were in the midst of the court case many people asked me why we did not just move away and start over. I would have done so but it was my wife who did not want to. She had had her life upended enough and to leave her friends and family to go else where was not an option. Now I am glad she felt that way. We have stayed and tried to make a go of a new life here. It is all made much easier by the fact that where ever I go I am stopped in the streets or the aisles of stores and people I do not even know wish me luck, prayers and tell me to hang in there because people still believe in me. It is the greatest gift god has given me. On New Years eve I posted on my face book that I feel like the person in the footsteps in the sand story who at the worst times in his life was carried by Jesus. The difference is that now in the worst time of my life I am carried by my family, my friends, and people I do not even know, as well as god.
One other thing that Pastor Ted Haggard said really hit home for me. He said that after Jesus was crucified if he was resurrected in Rome, or Spain, or some other country that it would not have worked. He needed to be resurrected in the place he was crucified. Before my critics say I am comparing myself to Jesus let me just say that in my wildest dreams I could not compare. But Pastor Haggard and his family had left Colorado Springs in shame after his ordeal and they later returned. He and his family understood that they needed to return to the place he was crucified in order to redeem himself.
I am glad my wife insisted we stay in Santa Fe, I need to redeem myself here in the town I was crucified. I need to show those who stood by me in my darkest days that they did not do so in vain and that there acts of compassion were appreciated and made a real difference in my life. To all of you who have prayed for me, forgiven me, and who have stood by me and even carried me, God Bless You. I still have a ways to go and while I can not promise I will ever truly redeem myself I do promise I will still try. To my family and extended family whom I sometimes get sidetracked from, I can never repay the debt I have placed on your shoulders but I will keep trying.
| Footprints in the Sand |
| One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord. |
| Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky. |
| In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand. |
| Sometimes there were two sets of footprints, |
| other times there were one set of footprints. |
| This bothered me because I noticed |
| that during the low periods of my life, |
| when I was suffering from |
| anguish, sorrow or defeat, |
| I could see only one set of footprints. |
| So I said to the Lord, |
| "You promised me Lord, |
| that if I followed you, |
| you would walk with me always. |
| But I have noticed that during |
| the most trying periods of my life |
| there have only been one |
| set of footprints in the sand. |
| Why, when I needed you most, |
| you have not been there for me?" |
| The Lord replied, |
| "The times when you have |
| seen only one set of footprints, |
| is when I carried you." |
| Mary Stevenson |
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